Livelonessesity

 I'm talking about living alone.

I'd like to have my own life as soon as I can. Find a good job, so I can support my own life.
I'm tired for being tell what to do. To be honest I need some time to be messed up with my works and my things. And choose to not clean up my table so I can go back to what I just left.
I like it, and once when I'm done I would clean it up.
I'm not messy and uncontrolable, you can ask my friends if you like.
My mother seems over caffeine if she knew that I don't go anywhere that day, I leave the little mess that I made.
She's good. But really, I have to make my own life, do the things in my way and just have it my way. She just cannot go with my way, It's just driving me crazy when she just cannot stop tidy up and tell me to do this and do that. I know she do it for my own good, and for everybody's sake.
I don't have any option beside just do it, whether you like it or not. I got the idea, it's for everybody's sake.
When I shared about this to one of my friend that I really trust, he said "stop being childish"
Well, okay. I just prefer to live by my self because in that way I can do whatever I want, and with the way that I like without thinking about everybody's sake.

You might think that I'm childish and ego.
You know what? it's an option for being like me and survive from any excessive depression rather than pleasing everyone but inside your soul you are so dead.
I don't have any idea how does it will be like to wait for a year to have my own life.
I know my parents won't let me living alone in the same city, for what purpose you do that?
And I recon that I would be as skinny as my brother when I got back.


Am I being too anxious about my life?
I know I'm paranoid, but I'm paranoid enough.

Thinking this way is my natural default setting.
 David Foster Wallace on This is Water